You.
There are so many things I want to say. There are so many words I can use but I won't. There are so many phrases I can quote in the hope you'll listen...but I can't. Because you've heard it all before and you'll hear it all again. But we were the kind of relationship where we'll look back and think, hey - it didn't go as planned. And that's okay.
And I am scared. I was scared when I first met you and I've continued to feel that fear to this very day. At first it was the idea you'd leave, now it's the idea I won't find someone who makes me feel the way that you do. Will I ever meet someone who can trigger such a dangerous passion? Will I ever meet someone who can make me want to kiss them as hard as I want to punch them? Will I ever meet someone who upon saying "I love you" will make me both fall asleep feeling safe and the most at peace at the same time as making me want to stay awake to hear it over and over? Because if I don't meet someone like you, I don't want to meet someone at all.
I've pondered over the definition of love for way too long, craving an answer so I can puzzle the pieces together. Why we fall in love with who we do, why we leave these people, why we stay with these people and why we fall in love at all. And for a while I thought I had it, you know, I thought it really was just those butterflies mosh pitting in your stomach and the taste of your lips after you'd long gone. But it wasn't and it isn't, it's so much more than just that. And maybe that's where I went wrong. I had my head stuck in these fairytale expectations and explanations when really...the answer I was looking for was there in front of me all this time.
Sometimes you can't explain or ever understand why you are in love with someone, sometimes it just the way they can take you to different places no one else could. No matter how dark life got, being with you just took me away to a different world. And I remember when life did get really hard and for a long time I couldn't see a way of ever getting out of the abyss that possessed my thoughts and everyday motives. I could see you were struggling with the words to say that would make me feel okay, so you just took me in your arms and told me it was okay to cry and suddenly nothing else mattered anymore. You were slowly putting everything back together for me and all the broken pieces I'd never find again to make me whole you had replaced with memories.
And I think I'll miss you forever. Because I honestly think I won't ever find someone who can so effortlessly define love for me after all this time. Someone who makes me want to get up and revise and do well in my exams, someone who drives me through the school day even though my free periods have been eradicated for revision sessions, someone who transforms a few hours into a journey of self-discovery, escapism and pure bliss. Someone like you. And maybe in the end...you don't want to be defined by your first love and maybe you don't want to be tied down by someone like me. And I understand that sometimes finding yourself takes time and a journey with just you. But I'm asking you to let me be apart of that.
You've heard this all before and you'll hear it all again, because everytime someone asks me what the definition of love is...my answer always has and always will be you.
So...dear the one, take a chance on me.
Go nuts.
x
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