Just as I was drifting off to sleep last night, playing with the facts of the day, I found myself daydreaming about being a parent and having my child do something that society would consider 'wrong.' I lay there thinking, as a parent how do I think I would react? My answer was: "They have one life. So why should we make them feel like what they did, or what they chose to do with it was wrong?" Of course, I wrote this though down because I feel like it is a very important fact of life that everyone needs to know, understand and hopefully live by. Obviously there are implications of this that can't always be condoned, but the main theory behind this is something we should all consider as we start our lives as adults in the big, wide world.
We have a lot of choices to make in life, pretty much everyday we have constantly surrounded by these decisions ranging from something small and considerably fickle - to huge, life-changing decisions that make you collapse on the ground engulfed by your existential crisis. One of the worst thing about these decisions is the knowledge that you'll be judged, no matter what choice you make in the end, you'll be judged for it. And that goes for everything within life, you will be judged and there is nothing we can do about that, for now. What I want to introduce is the fact that we as individuals, I and you reading this can start to change this reality by changing our outlooks slightly. I think is important to remember we ourselves have to make decisions that we struggle to make, let alone with other people judging you. When you make a decision that someone else doesn't agree with, it makes you feel like you need to change the outcome you originally thought was great, right? Think about someone else putting in all that time to finally think "shit, I should have chosen the other thing." When in reality, you would've shat on them either way. I think the point is that, when people make controversially 'bad' decisions, we feel obliged to let them know, when in reality they don't see it as bad, or they acknowledge it as bad and know it can be considered as a mistake. They don't need people to tell them that, all they need to know is that you are there for them and that is it. Or if you don't know them, you don't have an opinion. It's that simple.
When people make decisions, we need to step back and appreciate just how hard this is for them, no doubt about it, no "yeah but this" and "yeah but that" - they've had a rough time and we do not need to make it any worse by throwing our shitty judgement all over it. A great quote I found about this was, "Before you judge someone else, think about all that [God has forgiven you for] you have been forgiven for" Obviously, when someone is doing something you feel is going to effect their life so badly and you are in the position to have some sort of say in it personally (in a relationship, close family, close best friend) then there will be some sort of leeway where you can help decipher the decision. But you can't make it unless it is your decision to make. You cannot tear someones right to choose what they want to do with their life away. You cannot make someone feel like crap from what they have chosen to do. You do not have that right. You have to think about how it's going to make you feel if it was the other way round. If you are sat there being really cocky and thinking "well if in the long run it changed my life for the better I'll probably thank them one day" then it is up to you to take that risk on someone elses life, because in reality how do you know 100% sure they would thank you? I guarantee they've thought about it a lot more than you have.
However, if things did go wrong and their 'bad' decision to hit a wall and prove your judgement correctly, that does not give you an excuse to say 'I told you so' and throw even more judgement their way. They've learnt from their mistake and now they need time and support to be able to move on from that. "You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consquences of your choice" But I don't think that it would ever be a choice they regret making, because every choice we make shapes our life in some way. It's all a part of the journey we are making. Which is why I am strongly stating that we can't take that away from someone.
So, I have decided that as a parent, if this be a choice I make in the future, I shan't ever tell my child that the choices they've made with their one life were bad ones. Everyone needs that freedom to make the choices they feel fit for the one life they want to live. We don't have time to not be okay with the moulds people have chosen for whom they want to be. I'll leave you with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "Do you what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway" Don't let anyone stop you from being who you want to be, living a life you want to live and making hard decisions that will in some way or another shape your amazing future.
Go Nuts Guys.
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“You don't need to waste your time on someone who only wants you around when it fits their needs." In life, you'll find that there are people you meet who for any reasons you'll want and then to some extent need. And in life, you'll find that other people reciprocate these feelings towards you. It is a really nice feeling to be wanted and needed by someone, it makes you feel worthy and important; however, it doesn't feel right and it's not okay when someone doesn't want you and only needs you for when the time seems fit for them. And oh how your heart breaks when someone doesn't want you anymore. I am strong believer in the theory and ideology that we were put on earth for a prime reason, that reason branching from the profession we may take on when we're older to changing the world. Another reason could be to be a part of someone's life. Now, this doesn't mean that you were created wholly to drive this person through their life, because we need to take care and love ourselves also and achieve what is that we set out to do, our own ambitions and dreams. But, being a part of someone's life to the extent where they need you is a great purpose to take on through life and I appreciate even having that small amount of responsibility because not only does it make me feel like I've achieved something and loved someone enough, I feel like someone has always got my back, my partner in crime. “I don't want you to save me. I want you to stand my side whilst I save myself” - this is an amazing quote to remember in this situation because even when someone needs you or the latter, it's vital to remember that need we have for ourselves. You cannot wholly rely on someone because maybe one day you won't want them anymore...and then you just need the empty carcass of the love that was once there. When someone needs you but doesn't want you, it's time to trust your instincts and do something about it. You cannot continue being somebody's second choice all the time just because they need you for some elements of their life. It is so damn hard to be second best to everything, anything in someone's life and feel trapped because they 'need' you. You cannot need someone and not want them because that's when it stops being love and care and starts being 'used' and 'worthless'. “The worst feeling in the world is being unwanted by the person you want the most”, it's ridiculously difficult to be in love with someone who can't reciprocate the feelings because it makes you feel like you're persistently doing something wrong and it makes you feel pathetic and stupid and no matter what decision you consciously make about the situation you can't leave because that person needs you. When it suits them, they need you and you have to be there. But why? Who told us that we needed to be there? Okay, we all have a purpose in life but maybe it's not this person. “If you someone wants you a part of their life, they'll make a clear effort to do so.” It's not a bad thing to need someone. I've been told I need to stop 'playing the victim' and I guess I didn't really realise I was doing that until it was clearly read out for me. But...it's not bad to want someone and it's not a bad thing to be upset about the fact that you can't have someone all the time or in the way that you want them. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not allowed to be upset about something that is evidently upsetting you. If someone can't make the effort to try and sit down and understand how you are feeling about the situation, then they just don't care. Do not allow yourself to be stuck in a position where you both pretend to be happy about needing each other when all of the 'want' has faded under the pressure of this drive you take in someone's life. “Someone could be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons, you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready” (Nayyirah Waheed). And amongst all of this, maybe it's just that people aren't ready. People don't have the time, or the right set of mind to be able to carry such heavy feelings. And that's not your fault, or their fault – it's just the way life works. You could be so crazy in love with someone that fire burns brightly every-time you kiss but what happens when the fire burns out? What happens when the love isn't alight anymore? When you need someone, but you don't really want them? “Don't sacrifice your time for people who wouldn't do the same for you.” This has been a lot of heavy feelings and thoughts poured out into a short, simplistic blog – but I suppose the arching question of it all is how long can you tolerate being second best? It's never ever going to be an easy thing, opening up our eyes to these things because we've been blinded by the fun of it all. But we've all got to grow up someday. In the end...we all just really want someone to really want us. Go Nuts Guys. |
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