I am not the kind of girl who usually cares about what people think. I am not the kind of girl who can't confront the opposition. I am not the kind of girl who cries over petty arguments and insults. So, why today am I this girl?
When I first decided about writing this blog, I thought I was going to write about the reason I am upset. The reason behind why I can't walk down the school corridor without thinking people are whispering about me. The reason why my friendships are falling apart around me. And the reason why some people have weighed down upon me with their insults and rumours. But, when I started to think about it, I realised there would be no point in writing a blog like that. For me to sit here and try to justify the reasons why these people shouldn't call me names would be a huge waste of time, because they won't ever read this and they will still continue. It's not about the people who are trying to make me believe I am something I'm not. It's about the people who could do something about it, and didn't. And maybe that person is me?
It took me a really long time to get to a point in my life where I didn't care about what people thought about me. It takes so much self-confidence and respect to not allow people to bring you down with the things they say. I used to be so obsessed with having everybody like me as a person, it was always so frustrating when someone didn't like me because I knew I was a good person and didn't deserve it. Then I decided to grow up a little and stop being so vain and pathetic. People aren't always going to like for who you are, no matter what you do. There will always be parts of you that are flawed and there will be petty people who will pick up on that and dig into you for the remaining time you know them. Once I realised this, it was super easy for me to laugh insults away and still be who I am and be content with that. I always tell people that it doesn't matter what people think they know because the people that love you and care for you will always know the truth and the people who don't give shit? It doesn't matter what they think because they aren't a part of your life.
Another reason why I can't sit here and attempt to justify why I don't deserve mean titles, is because it's pathetic for me to play the victim card. I feel like all I do is sit around, feeling sorry for myself. What I need to understand is that there are so many other people that get called horrible things and are still able to laugh and go about everyday life without letting it touch them. So what makes me so special to think that I can avoid everyone and feel sorry for myself at home? Me justifying why I am a good person, would just be a waste of time and an attention seeking act for people who just don't care about me.
So, if I am not allowed to play the victim and I can't justify why I am not a bad person then what the hell do I do? I wish I had figured it out before I started writing this blog, but I just don't have answers right now. All I know is that it's time for me to take more time for myself. I've lost all that self-confidence and respect I have because so many people have torn it down in the space of a weekend. And I know it's wrong for me to be upset. I know it's wrong for me to think I am the only one hurting from this. I know it's wrong that I can't turn the other cheek and just 'get over it.' But maybe it was just a horrifying way for the world to remind me that I haven't quite finished learning to love myself. It's a hard fucking journey and with people always bringing you down on the way, it doesn't make it any easier.
In the end, people can say what they want. People can believe what they want to believe. People can interpret who I am from my actions, my words, but no one will ever truly know what's going on inside my head. The only advice worth reading right now that I can give to anyone is just fucking think...about what you say about someone or to someone before you say it. The most simple assumption or comment can ruin someone's life. I know that now. Moving on from this won't be easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard either...
Go nuts guys.
A