I hurt someone. Whether unintentionally or knowingly, whether I can justify it or not, it doesn't matter. Because I hurt someone. And once someone tells you you've hurt them, you don't get to decide whether you did or didn't. The person I caused this pain was so evidently hurt, you could see it their eyes, hear it in their voice; they sought comfort in me. Whilst in pain because I had hurt them, they hid their face in my chest. I couldn't help but think “this is the most messed up situation ever!” After clearly causing someone pain they mourned that with me. What do you do when you aren't good enough for someone? What do you do when you're not deserving of the good in someone else? Oh, how the tables have turned.
My first reaction of course like many others when they've done something wrong, is to think of all the reasons why what you did was actually right and how you didn't actually hurt that person because can justify your actions. But the pained human next to me quickly snapped, “no emotional apologies, I don't want to hear it.” And just like that I had no plan action. I hadn't really been able to accept that I can unintentionally hurt someone, if I have made a mistake I have always found it so hard to accept that that is what has happened and it is now a part of my past that is going to help me avoid making the same mistakes in the future. I feel like this could be the case with a lot of people, we don't ever seem to think that we, as perfectly moral human beings, could ever cause somebody we love emotional pain. It really, really hurts to see that you have caused pain to this person without realising because there is nothing we can do about it, there is no way we can go back and undo what we did and there is no amount of justification that is ever going to make them feel better. So, completely shocked and confused I went into the battle fields without one of my greatest weapons of all, my words. From this I've learnt that we really truly do not have a choice in whether we have hurt someone or not, if they say that this is what we have directly or indirectly done. I want to be able to accept my mistakes and walk into the war without attempting to make myself feel better in order to understand their pain. As in order to feel true repentance is to to truly understand what you've done. But what now?
This is when I started to really to feel that the situation was messed up because instead of me getting shouted at or punished in some sort of way, they actually hugged me and just let the sadness overwhelm them in my arms. And I couldn't help but think “holy shit I have destroyed this persons emotions and now they are trying to let me fix them?” In some ways, I understood that the only person who can fix your heart is the person that broke it. And in a way the way I could be forgiven is through fixing what I have done and helping this person through a rough time that I caused. But all I could think about is the fact that I didn't deserve to be hugged. I didn't deserve this person to tell me it was okay and they loved me after I had done such a terrible thing. It made me feel so ill inside because I finally realised that I wasn't good enough. And what do you do when you're not good enough for someone? It really hit me like a ton of bricks, I always play the victim, I always play the innocent one, I always acted like I was the one getting hurt because I was always the one to react. I never really stood back to think about all the bad mistakes I've made in life and completely got away with them because I could metaphorical confuse my way out of things. Or because the people I unintentionally hurt were so good-hearted, they never made me feel bad or stupid or wrong for anything I have ever done.
I've learnt something valuable from this situation. That I need to stop pretending to be broken in order for people to keep putting me back together. When what I really need to be doing is helping keep the ones I love together because in the end if they weren't in my life I wouldn't be the person I am today, I wouldn't be living a life that I want to lead. I may have realised that I am not worthy of being with such amazing people in my life and I may try to make this clear to them and leave. But in the end that's my own personal story for my own learning values. The question I want people to take away if how are you treating other people? How are you reacting to peoples mistakes? How are you reacting to your own mistakes? Are you learning and growing and benefiting?
I really wish I could go back and change what I have done. But in the end, what's in the past stays in the past and my future will adapt to new changes I will make from the mistakes I've made. It takes a lot of hardship to walk away from someone you love for the best of them and I don't think it's something I could ever do. I can only hope they continue to be the kind-hearted, crazy people who decided to love me in the first places.
That's all from me tonight, go nuts guys.
My first reaction of course like many others when they've done something wrong, is to think of all the reasons why what you did was actually right and how you didn't actually hurt that person because can justify your actions. But the pained human next to me quickly snapped, “no emotional apologies, I don't want to hear it.” And just like that I had no plan action. I hadn't really been able to accept that I can unintentionally hurt someone, if I have made a mistake I have always found it so hard to accept that that is what has happened and it is now a part of my past that is going to help me avoid making the same mistakes in the future. I feel like this could be the case with a lot of people, we don't ever seem to think that we, as perfectly moral human beings, could ever cause somebody we love emotional pain. It really, really hurts to see that you have caused pain to this person without realising because there is nothing we can do about it, there is no way we can go back and undo what we did and there is no amount of justification that is ever going to make them feel better. So, completely shocked and confused I went into the battle fields without one of my greatest weapons of all, my words. From this I've learnt that we really truly do not have a choice in whether we have hurt someone or not, if they say that this is what we have directly or indirectly done. I want to be able to accept my mistakes and walk into the war without attempting to make myself feel better in order to understand their pain. As in order to feel true repentance is to to truly understand what you've done. But what now?
This is when I started to really to feel that the situation was messed up because instead of me getting shouted at or punished in some sort of way, they actually hugged me and just let the sadness overwhelm them in my arms. And I couldn't help but think “holy shit I have destroyed this persons emotions and now they are trying to let me fix them?” In some ways, I understood that the only person who can fix your heart is the person that broke it. And in a way the way I could be forgiven is through fixing what I have done and helping this person through a rough time that I caused. But all I could think about is the fact that I didn't deserve to be hugged. I didn't deserve this person to tell me it was okay and they loved me after I had done such a terrible thing. It made me feel so ill inside because I finally realised that I wasn't good enough. And what do you do when you're not good enough for someone? It really hit me like a ton of bricks, I always play the victim, I always play the innocent one, I always acted like I was the one getting hurt because I was always the one to react. I never really stood back to think about all the bad mistakes I've made in life and completely got away with them because I could metaphorical confuse my way out of things. Or because the people I unintentionally hurt were so good-hearted, they never made me feel bad or stupid or wrong for anything I have ever done.
I've learnt something valuable from this situation. That I need to stop pretending to be broken in order for people to keep putting me back together. When what I really need to be doing is helping keep the ones I love together because in the end if they weren't in my life I wouldn't be the person I am today, I wouldn't be living a life that I want to lead. I may have realised that I am not worthy of being with such amazing people in my life and I may try to make this clear to them and leave. But in the end that's my own personal story for my own learning values. The question I want people to take away if how are you treating other people? How are you reacting to peoples mistakes? How are you reacting to your own mistakes? Are you learning and growing and benefiting?
I really wish I could go back and change what I have done. But in the end, what's in the past stays in the past and my future will adapt to new changes I will make from the mistakes I've made. It takes a lot of hardship to walk away from someone you love for the best of them and I don't think it's something I could ever do. I can only hope they continue to be the kind-hearted, crazy people who decided to love me in the first places.
That's all from me tonight, go nuts guys.