I've been staring at my blank computer screen for a few days now - I'm not sure whether I am suffering from serious writers block or the fact that I don't really fancy writing anything that isn't about heartbreak and love being the inevitable end of all happiness and I know you guys don't want to read more of that! Though I know and you know that isn't true and I'm just incapable of seeing the light in my situation. So I stumbled upon the idea that maybe I'm not ready to pick up my bags and find new happiness in the fear I will lose it again.
This idea occurred to me when reading a good friends blog in which she stated that she was really happy and she was in fear of losing it all. This happens with all of us right? When you have found a period in your life where everything seems to be perfect and you're really happy, all you can ever fear and be sad about is the idea that maybe one day you're not going to have that happiness anymore. As if, if we let out guards down and disregarded this idea then that's what will happen - we'll wake up to find everything has been eradicated and we're left with nothing but memories. Except I'm not at this stage anymore, I am way past the eradication of happiness - I'm in the recovery room; however do I want to start all over to find myself in the operation room again?
Maybe the reason that people find it so hard to move on and let go is because they don't want to go through it all again. Take relationships as a prime example, when you fall in love and you've been with someone for a long time - they become the definition of your happiness and you let this become the most dominant reason for your smile and then you let your guard down for one second too long and they are gone. There is no way we can predict these things and there is no way we'll ever be able to be okay and accepting of them. Why would anyone want to move on and fall in love all over again with someone new for the same thing to happen again? It's like trust in the way that...once you've ruined someones trust they'll never be able to trust you again; if you crumble up a piece of paper and then pick it up, unfold it and apologize it's still going to always be crinkled. I guess you can compare this to us and our emotions, once we've been hurt and broken - we can get back up and we can hear "sorry" a thousand times but we're always still going to remember that pain and that pain is what is causing our fear to move on to new and better things.
I think the worst thing about situations like these is the fact that people try to persuade you that they are different from whomever hurt you but what they really don't understand is that you've heard it all before. You've heard it one time too many times and there is no way you're going to fall for these beautiful lies again. When you are in a complete state of bliss and happiness you literally cannot predict or conjure up any reason as to why someone would just turn away and leave you - so the pain is even more real when you feel it. This is because that person had promised to not do exactly what they did - the exact promises that a new person is making to you. So you'll have to excuse us if maybe we don't want to go through that pain again. However - this is what I'm trying to break through right now. Do I not deserve to be happy just because I wasn't good enough for somebody? What made me believe that I deserved that anyway? I'm trying to break through my walls and try to find happiness again. I can't be miserable for the rest of my life over someone who doesn't even think about me anymore.
Breaking through these walls is never going to be easy after being through whatever emotional roller-coaster you've been thrown on. I've accepted it's not going to be easy, but at least I have acknowledged the fact that it can be done. You need to push away all these negative consequences of happiness; not all happiness has to end and not everybody is going to treat you like that. I think the best thing to do is to just take it one day at a time, slowly start to let people in and slowly start to see the sky for the bright blue that it really is. Being stuck under clouds of gray for the rest of our lives would just be a waste of time, our lives wouldn't be purposeful and I have always believed in every breath we take having a purpose. I am not saying to jump straight up and fall head over heels in love with someone straight away but hey - at least accept the idea that maybe one day you can love someone with the same passion you have before. I remember an old song I wrote with a friend and it went "I nearly found myself to day, when I was walking along under clouds of gray and I thought, what a wonderful day to be searching for a silver lining then the...sun starts shining" and it made me smile and think because maybe we are living under clouds of gray but it is up to us to make it wonderful, it's up to us to think "hey I will find that silver lining" because I promise you, the sun will start shining again.
So I guess I didn't really escape my writers block in a way that I did actually talk about my heartbreak once again but I think it's an important message that we should all learn. We should never be afraid of being happy and we should never be at a point in our lives where we think that being in a state of misery is the best way to protect ourselves from being hurt. I can't promise you that when you do find that silver lining that you won't get hurt again because there will probably be many heartbreaks before you finally do find the one who will give your heart a break. But you have to be strong in that way, we all get stronger as they days goes on we just need to be quicker at getting back up again because the pain won't sting for as long right? I wrote this for a blog a few days ago:
"So...I guess I'll never understand why he left me; even if I did understand I don't think I'd except it. But I can't spend forever waiting for an answer I don't want to hear and I can't spend forever seeking an explanation that won't make me feel better. He's gone now; and I need to leave to someplace else. Somewhere untouched by all this. I mean...I was always going someplace beautiful"
and maybe that someplace beautiful really just is finding that happiness. Keep smiling guys and keep looking for those silver linings. They are there always.
Enjoy your first week back in education!
2 Comments
Edgar Allen Poe
1/9/2014 05:44:42 am
"What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly?
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Gee
1/9/2014 06:05:40 pm
Wow - I really love those quotes, both of them. I actually think it's inspired me for my next blog which is extremely helpful in my current position. I am glad I could motivate you in some way; though the pain is different the process of picking up the pieces and doing the jigsaw of our lives all over is very much the same. Sorry to hear about this but as your quote said "but what if we fly?" And oh how we'll find out! Your comment made my day so thank you very much and I hope you continue to be motivated to keep going! All my love!
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