I think it's time for me to have a serious, inner debate about how long I am going to remain angry over this 'fickle' entity within my life. After all this time, I thought my anger would subside, simmer down and I would just move on. After all, that has always been a motto of mine, 'forgive and forget' as opposed to 'live and regret.' Yet here I am, feeling my face flush red as my blood boils under the mention of a name. It's to the extent of anger and hatred where I regret not punching someone when previously given the opportunity. However, I can not possibly live with this weight trailing miserably after me my whole life, like some horrific tattoo hidden underneath miles of layers – you can still live and laugh, but you know it's there. Like tattoos, being angry and annoyed with someone or something can be hard to let go of, but there's always laser surgery, there's always a way.
Like many things, there is always tons of stages you go through emotionally when something occurs that makes you upset or angry. Shock, initial anger, overreaction, grievance, acceptance etc, or in my case, anger, anger, anger. However, I do believe the most important 'stage' would be acceptance, having that time to realise what has actually happened and to be able to just accept this as a fact. It happened, you cannot change that. Do not, I repeat do not, try to assess what happened and conduct a full-fledged, two-sided argument with synthesized research and an overall judgement; because you will not get an A* and fuck tons of UCAS points at the end of it, you'll just be in a worse-off state than you were before. I've made this mistake plenty of times, I am probably still debating with myself right now about it, despite it occurring over a year ago. The best thing is to accept it and go from there. “The truth will set you free. But first it'll piss you off!”
“Hating someone makes them important. Forgiving them makes them obsolete.” I read this quotation earlier today and it has opened my eyes to a whole different side to my situation. The more I obsess over hating this person, the more important they become in my life. Sometimes my motives will be driven by my mere crave to punch someone, or to seek revenge. All I've ever wanted is for them to become obsolete. Now, forgiving someone can be ludicrously hard considering the extent of pain they've caused you or someone else in whatever they've done. Sometimes it can be so bad that the mere thought of even considering forgiving them makes you sick to the stomach. Even thinking about it now I am like, “Why the freaking hell would I ever, ever, EVER...want to forgive such an immoral act against humanity, they don't even repent!” Specially, when someone has gone out of their way to purposely cause you pain. But you are not thinking about them, it's about doing what is best for you. And if, in order to let go and move on you need that closure, that final line drawn – accept the event, forgive the bitch and move on. It might even piss them off, having gone out of their way to cause you pain, and that extra cheeky bit of annoyance might even do you some good.
Feeling angry or annoyed at someone special in your life, is arguable a lot harder to deal with. And I think one of the worst feelings I have ever endured is being in love with someone so much, who made me feel that amount of pain. There is no right or wrong answer with what course of action to take from here, the only question you can really ask yourself is, “What is the worth?” You cannot keep living your life upset over something that has happened because you are still with the person who caused you pain, you really need to assess how much it has bothered you. You are not going to ever be a bad person for deciding that actually, you cannot get over it and saying goodbye is merely a sign of strength and relief for you as a human being. You don't have to not love them anymore, sometimes love just isn't enough to keep two people together when something so strong as the thing that's upset you comes into play. How long are you going to keep suffering before you take action? How long are you going to keep being a doormat? To what extent of 'reasonable' can you be before your feelings are masked over by the latter? Like that tattoo...will it always be there?
“I don't want just words. If that's all you' have for me. You'd better go” Maybe there will always be a part of me that is angry about what has happened, and who is to blame anyone for feeling this way? But I know there is action and I can take to help myself feel better again, because sitting around just complaining and genuinely being a little bitch about it, isn't solving anything. And hey, you didn't hear it from me, but if punching a hoe in the face is going to help you, then freaking do it. In the end, life is way too short to be crying over the past, it doesn't define you or the amazing future you've set out for yourself. So like one of my favourite writers himself says, “So we'll just let things take it's course, and never be sorry” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Go Nuts Guys.
Light in the darkness.
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