Do you ever have those days where you think "my life is just too good to be true right now?" and then a few hours later everything crumbles to pieces you think "I knew it was coming, things we're just going too well for me"...? I have had one of those days, it also happened to be the day before I went back to school so I was drowning in stress and revision and coffee and for a moment I genuinely thought about giving up. Throwing my pen in the air, stop reasoning with people, stop drinking coffee and just run away from it all. But I am still here...I guess.
Being as painfully honest as I can in this blog to give you the greatest side of this advise I possible can, I am going to shame myself I suppose! I really liked someone - someone different and I hadn't felt that new, burning love kind of feeling for a really long time. It was exciting and weird and I had a lot of fun with it, which is weird because normally having a crush is horrific. We got on long really well and for a while it was okay, I couldn't ask for anything more or less. "There is no intensity of love or feelings that does not involve the risk of crippling pain" - ( William S. Burroughs). Despite only being 17, having a crush on someone is risky, any feeling for that matter is risky because it either goes up in flames or prevails forever. With that knowledge implanted in my heart rather than my brain it was hard for me to move on and accept that if you play with fire, you may sometimes get burnt. And I guess I waited too long because that's exactly what happened.
However, I can't afford to be miserable and sad in the New Year before my mocks, before I finish learning to drive, before my exams, being 18 etc because this is an exciting year and I want to grab it with both hands. So should you - so when dealing with things like this you need to learn to look from a different perspective. "There are people who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back" People always leave for a reason, it won't ever be a random spur to just walk out of your life. They did that because they need to take a different road to be happy, which means you need to do so too. Them or you letting go doesn't mean you don't care about each other, it just means you belong and desire different horizons. One of the hardest yet greatest feelings in the world, is seeing someone you really care about be happy. It's great because your heart yearns for that, it's hard because maybe you're not the person who is going to do that for them. Saying goodbye is just a painful way of saying I love you.
I did read a quote after I had this conversation with the guy that read "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" I am going to condone this 100% because the cost of not following your heart, is spending the rest of your life wishing you did. Words are powerful and actions even more so and if you want to change things then fucking do it man, you go after them and you show them all the reasons they have to stay. If they still end up walking away, you tried and you won't ever have to live in the shadow of "what if" - I mean what really do you have to lose? I would love to be a heroic romancer and do this right now but I don't really think my words can change his mind because she already did, and that's okay. He found what he was looking for. And I know it's not me.
It sucks when someone walks into your life, makes you feel special and then leaves - specially after they said they wouldn't. But sometimes the greatest loves are those that help you change yourself and perhaps seeing that person happy makes you realise you took a different perspective and you're on the road to a better horizon. So I guess this is the one and only time I will truly accept the saying "If you love someone, set them free" because if that's the only way they'll be truly happy then that's all that matters. And it'll be worth it in the end, to see those smiles even if you're not the one causing it. And I guess in a way, indirectly you are - because you did accept hat move so freely and calmly so now they can live that life without the guilt of leaving you behind. People don't leave because they don't love you, you just don't make them as happy as they could be. And that's alright, it's not something to be upset about - allow it to help you grow and find someone new. Take a different risk.
So I guess things were just going to well for me and I was trying to fall in love way too fast. It did go up in flames - but it went up in beautiful colours and for that I am grateful. I am ready to set aside time now to just work on being myself and learning to love myself. One day I'll meet someone who won't ever promise me he'll stay because he just will. So hopefully this is my last piece of measly love advice for you all. Love deeply, passionately and don't be afraid of getting burnt. And to my crush whom is now happy I hope, I dedicate this one to you! "I could've been your Rachel, She's probably your Julie"
I LOVE YOU ALL AND TO ALL GOODNIGHT!
(P.s Keep revising, good luck for mocks!)