People:
Originally I had shut everyone out; nobody was allowed in to the dark pit of my mind in the fear they'd touch something delicate that'd trigger the emotional pain I've buried deep down. But in 6th form, or any year for that matter, you can't afford to shut people out. Friends are your survival through the week and I didn't realize they were actually the trigger for my smile rather than my emotional pain. Enclosing yourself from the world seems like a great idea at the time but making yourself laugh really doesn't have quite the same effect. I advise you slowly start to let people in, let people have the chance to make you smile and hey - you never know who may be falling for it right? Another thing I used to do was hate people before even getting to know them; there was one specific girl who I never spoke to because of past feuds but this week we spent a lot of time together and damn she is an amazing person. If I hadn't spent so much time conjuring up such a hate I would have realized that we have an entire world in common. Putting people in the dark before you've even the seem them in the light sucks, try to see people from a different angle and you never know, maybe you'll get along. You might not but at least that chance is there and you've been a good person by trying.
School:
Having something to concentrate on really takes your mind off whatever is hurting you or bothering you. It also gives you a sense of being which is great even at this age when we're not really sure what we want to do or be. So far I've really enjoyed all my lessons and I know they are going to get harder; they are going to cause stress and tears and difficulty beyond my imagination but that's school! That's A-Levels! There is no point sitting here and moaning about it, I just need to concentrate and work hard to get the grades I need. It has really helped me fill my mind up with other things and to push all the negativity to the back of my brain. It's rather sad really - that no matter who decides they don't love me anymore, I still have good grades. So I set the challenge for all of you this year, to not moan or complain or dream of an easier education; to just enjoy what you're doing. If we actually tried to enjoy the lesson mentally we're probably going to actually enjoy the exam and that means better outcomes. Without education, our thoughts would dominant us and trust me, with a mind like mine you would NOT want that to happen!
Love:
"Sometimes I am terrified of my heart; of it's constant hunger for whatever it wants. The way it stops and starts" - Edgar Allen Poe. Somebody sent me this quote through my comments and I fell in love with it as soon as I read it as it relates to me a lot. I will probably write an entire blog based around it soon. I am always going to be in love with this guy and that's just what my heart desires and there is nothing I can do about it. I guess that's quite terrifying in a way. However, we're friends and we're moving on together at a stupidly slow pace so I guess I'm slowly picking up the pieces to make me whole. Sometimes we can't control our desires just as much as we can't control the weather but we just accept it in the end. It may be a miserable day today but tomorrow might just be sunshine. I won't reflect too much on this topic as I have done so a lot across the past month but all I can say is that I am progressively learning to be better as you should do when you start to accept the heart as the crazy, uncontrollable part of us that can be terrifying. That's all apart of the excitement of love and crushes and the adventure I guess. *Dramatic sigh* Life eh?
This blog was a bit vague I'm afraid but I am still settling into a new routine so I hope it amused you for the little while it lasted. I guess I do feel like I am becoming human again. I am looking forward to every new day instead of dreading falling asleep and regretting all the words I never got a chance to say. Life gets hard; there is no doubt about it but we all have things to keep us going no matter how small. I just want to remind you all of the small things in life that we don't often think about that do make us smile. I hope you guys enjoyed the first week back and don't hesitate to get in touch if you are like me and are a bit down and are not sure of how to pick yourself back up again.
All the best guys!