I thought I was always okay with being alone. Making it through each day on my own. Learning new things through my own mistakes inflicted without the contribution of others. Being able to survive without the support of a close friend. Enjoying growing up without the socialisation of a group I'd fit in well with. I always thought, 'If you're going to do this alone Gee. Do it alone. Learn and grow as a person and create and develop yourself into somebody worthwhile. Somebody that someone could possibly love someday' I just didn't think it would be this hard. Silence has and always will be the loudest noise.
Sometimes being alone really is okay. I am sure a lot of people would agree or even go to the extent of arguing that being alone is the perfect solitude. Being able to get lost in that perfect serenity that is your own company. Not having to think about the rest of the world and any problems that may be occuring and just escape. But it's not the kind of lonely. For I have no problems to escape from. I have no people to need to take a break from. I have no reason to need a peaceful night in from the rest of the world because of the rest of the world for me is just that, horrifically peaceful. Or how people say that's it's best to be alone than to surround yourself with people who cause you pain or who worsen you as a person or who simply don't care but I can't even find people who care enough to not care. Even people saying 'Gee don't act like the victim because you'll start being treated like one' does not apply because not even in that phrase can be applicable for me. It's a lonely life and I am stuck in the middle of it.
I remember so distinctively in the middle of year 8, I didn't have many friends. It was 100% because I was a complete and utter bitch. I was bullied for a long period of time for a huge variety of things, like most kids that age probably are, but my defence mechanism wasn't sarcasm or leaving it alone or telling a teacher or even confiding in friends, it was being a fucking bitch. I lost a lot of people back then, the few I had. I remember walking through the playground on my own, just looking around at all the different groups and clichés. And it really fucking stung to know that I didn't fit in any single one. And that not a single one would care enough to manifest or develop to let me in. I mean, why would they? I was a horrible, horrible person. And that was when I realised just how alone I was...the fact that I had to eat lunch on my own. And from that day on I have tried my very best to exert all my energy and life into making other people happy and being a better person. So one day I can look back and realise my life was full of those small to big interactions, that I left imprints in peoples memories and maybe, just maybe, I had someone whom loved me. I didn't think I would ever be in that position again...walking across an empty room, with no where to sit, no one to manifest themselves or change to allow me in. That I'd have to eat lunch on my own, again. I guess this time it's worse because I am not a bitch, I am just alone.
When there is a group of people whom you know each individually quite well and they are all talking together and having a good time and they don't quite realise that you're sat left out, you feel awkward. I mean I tried to avoid eye contact, or even worse, breaking down into tears because I didn't want to make anyone feel bad. Whether they were doing it on purpose on not. So, when the bell rang I ran into the toilets and cried and that's when I realised that there are probably other people that have to do the same thing as me. Take little toilet breaks to cry because sometimes it really is hard. I could confidently say that I have accepted wholly I am alone, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. I wanted to be able to come up with something that would help you if you are lonely. How to deal with it. I feel personally that I am too far in to my high school life to change how things have gone for me, maybe if I wasn't such a bitch in year 8 then I would be invited into group discussions, I don't know. But the only thing that keeps me going is the ideology that I am still developing and growing as a person, so are you.
I may not have any super close friends, or anyone to eat lunch with - but I still interact with some people, just not on a healthy sociable, teenager kind of level. But I get to watch the world grow. I get to see all these different people I've known for years begin to create and develop themselves. I see different friendships, new romances, new memories and in some cases that was better for me, as someone who wants to be a writer, I have all these lives to put into stories. So there was always a positive to being on your own. You just have to find yours, if you're not living in the action, you're observing it, what is that doing for you? There is always the option of again, trying to fit in, trying to make new friends. But I've always believed in being the best you, you can be for yourself. Not changing or being defined by anyone else. I have wasted too much trying to change myself to make everybody else happy and it just doesn't work, it's impossible. So I may be alone, but at least I am alone and myself.
It's hard to be happy. But we can't be strong all the time. But I guess I know what I can bring to the table, so I'm not afraid of being alone. This is Gee Harland playing the victim once again...
Go Nuts Guys.
Sometimes being alone really is okay. I am sure a lot of people would agree or even go to the extent of arguing that being alone is the perfect solitude. Being able to get lost in that perfect serenity that is your own company. Not having to think about the rest of the world and any problems that may be occuring and just escape. But it's not the kind of lonely. For I have no problems to escape from. I have no people to need to take a break from. I have no reason to need a peaceful night in from the rest of the world because of the rest of the world for me is just that, horrifically peaceful. Or how people say that's it's best to be alone than to surround yourself with people who cause you pain or who worsen you as a person or who simply don't care but I can't even find people who care enough to not care. Even people saying 'Gee don't act like the victim because you'll start being treated like one' does not apply because not even in that phrase can be applicable for me. It's a lonely life and I am stuck in the middle of it.
I remember so distinctively in the middle of year 8, I didn't have many friends. It was 100% because I was a complete and utter bitch. I was bullied for a long period of time for a huge variety of things, like most kids that age probably are, but my defence mechanism wasn't sarcasm or leaving it alone or telling a teacher or even confiding in friends, it was being a fucking bitch. I lost a lot of people back then, the few I had. I remember walking through the playground on my own, just looking around at all the different groups and clichés. And it really fucking stung to know that I didn't fit in any single one. And that not a single one would care enough to manifest or develop to let me in. I mean, why would they? I was a horrible, horrible person. And that was when I realised just how alone I was...the fact that I had to eat lunch on my own. And from that day on I have tried my very best to exert all my energy and life into making other people happy and being a better person. So one day I can look back and realise my life was full of those small to big interactions, that I left imprints in peoples memories and maybe, just maybe, I had someone whom loved me. I didn't think I would ever be in that position again...walking across an empty room, with no where to sit, no one to manifest themselves or change to allow me in. That I'd have to eat lunch on my own, again. I guess this time it's worse because I am not a bitch, I am just alone.
When there is a group of people whom you know each individually quite well and they are all talking together and having a good time and they don't quite realise that you're sat left out, you feel awkward. I mean I tried to avoid eye contact, or even worse, breaking down into tears because I didn't want to make anyone feel bad. Whether they were doing it on purpose on not. So, when the bell rang I ran into the toilets and cried and that's when I realised that there are probably other people that have to do the same thing as me. Take little toilet breaks to cry because sometimes it really is hard. I could confidently say that I have accepted wholly I am alone, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. I wanted to be able to come up with something that would help you if you are lonely. How to deal with it. I feel personally that I am too far in to my high school life to change how things have gone for me, maybe if I wasn't such a bitch in year 8 then I would be invited into group discussions, I don't know. But the only thing that keeps me going is the ideology that I am still developing and growing as a person, so are you.
I may not have any super close friends, or anyone to eat lunch with - but I still interact with some people, just not on a healthy sociable, teenager kind of level. But I get to watch the world grow. I get to see all these different people I've known for years begin to create and develop themselves. I see different friendships, new romances, new memories and in some cases that was better for me, as someone who wants to be a writer, I have all these lives to put into stories. So there was always a positive to being on your own. You just have to find yours, if you're not living in the action, you're observing it, what is that doing for you? There is always the option of again, trying to fit in, trying to make new friends. But I've always believed in being the best you, you can be for yourself. Not changing or being defined by anyone else. I have wasted too much trying to change myself to make everybody else happy and it just doesn't work, it's impossible. So I may be alone, but at least I am alone and myself.
It's hard to be happy. But we can't be strong all the time. But I guess I know what I can bring to the table, so I'm not afraid of being alone. This is Gee Harland playing the victim once again...
Go Nuts Guys.