I regret a lot of things in life. Words that I never took the opportunity to say. Actions I never had the courage to pursue. Goodbyes I never took too seriously and new hellos I dismissed; too hung up drowning in the familiar, the routine, the lonely normality of life and patterns. And like a lot of people, I wish with all my heart that I could just go back, go back to all those moments where I could have changed something. I could have a life I desire to be living today if I had just said this, or did that, or maybe if I was a nicer human being I wouldn't be so drenched in everything that never will be. I am sat here writing this evening, with the hope that within these words I sprawl out from alternative endings, I can find a way to manipulate time.
Isn't there a time in the past where every one of us can just look back to and think 'god damn I was so fucking happy back then'. Like, everything seemed to be so perfect and nothing in those moments could have ever broken what appeared to be so engraved in stone? "Are we etched in stone or just scratched in the sand" - The Stone Roses. That was last year for me, when I was in 11, just before I progressed into 6th form and everything exploded for me. It was massive learning curve in terms of who I am as a person and how I was going to handle the situations and how that was going to affect me in becoming the person I was going to be. The idea that some people, or some period of time in my life was merely 'scratched into sand' scared me and I think when the ocean came and washed away all those scriptures I tried desperately to keep rewriting and rewriting; but the tide only travels further in and I sat there mourning over what was. I spent so long trying to bring the past back. I was so busy fucking crying over everything and everyone that no longer was that I drowned when that tide came in completely. And right now I am not sure what I regret most, the fact that I let all those people and good times leave, or the fact I sat there trying to bring it all back when I couldn't. I missed out on a lot of new and amazing opportunities because I couldn't let the past just be washed away. I believed so hard it was stone when it wasn't.
It was a bad year because I couldn't accept the changes and I blocked out the entire world. Everything new was bad because it wasn't the same; I could ever envision a life as good as the one I had and I completely and utterly just took advantage of my own company. I didn't want to start new relationships, I didn't want new experiences, I simply didn't want to pretend I could be happy when I couldn't. Now, looking back on all that I just keep thinking, what if I had I had accepted those changes a little quicker? What if I had mourned as I had went along, my life would of course be a lot different. But I'd probably be happy, right? The whole idea of having something 'etched in stone' is actually finding something worth etching into stone. So instead of having a lot of stones, all I have is a load of sand that I am just waiting for the ocean to wash away once more. I am fed up of being alone. I am fed up of being pathetic and waiting for everyone to come back and love. I cannot wait for the past to come back and enlighten me. I have to manipulate time, starting with the present.
"This is the beginning of anything you want." I'm not going to be immediately okay after waking up and deciding I don't like this life. It's going to take time and effort but after all, with the journey of self-discovery comes great responsibility. I want to be able to find complete happiness and feel the same as I had all of a year or two years ago. It doesn't have to be with the same people and the same experiences, it can all be different and new exciting. I need to learn to not be afraid of change. If someone is in your life and they aren't making you happy or they aren't worthy of a stone, then it's alright to say goodbye. If an experience wasn't amazing, cut it out. If you're doing a subject in school that isn't driving your creative needs, then drop it. If you don't want to diet because you like cake, fucking eat cake! If you want to start a new hobby no one likes, be independant! The whole idea of growing up and finding yourself, is having that courage to go off and explore the world without the fear of the ocean washing away a few things here and there.
Here are 5 mottos I want to follow over the next year of my life:
1. "Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect"
2. "You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be" - Marianne Wilson
3. "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new" - Socrates
4. "Don't tell me what they said about me, tell me why they were so comfortable to say it around you"
5. "Little by little. Day by day"
I regret a lot of things in life. Words that I never took the opportunity to say. Actions I never had the courage to pursue. Goodbyes I never took too seriously and new hellos I dismissed. But I am done with regret, I am done with not trying. "Forget the risk and take the fall. If it's what you want then it's worth it all" I am on an adventure, to find everything and everyone that belong on my stones. I'll try to remember that the tide will always come in and that sand will always be washed away. Those that go with won't come back, but sitting back on the boulders, on those stones and watching that sunset will all be worth it one day and everyday from.
And so it goes on...
Isn't there a time in the past where every one of us can just look back to and think 'god damn I was so fucking happy back then'. Like, everything seemed to be so perfect and nothing in those moments could have ever broken what appeared to be so engraved in stone? "Are we etched in stone or just scratched in the sand" - The Stone Roses. That was last year for me, when I was in 11, just before I progressed into 6th form and everything exploded for me. It was massive learning curve in terms of who I am as a person and how I was going to handle the situations and how that was going to affect me in becoming the person I was going to be. The idea that some people, or some period of time in my life was merely 'scratched into sand' scared me and I think when the ocean came and washed away all those scriptures I tried desperately to keep rewriting and rewriting; but the tide only travels further in and I sat there mourning over what was. I spent so long trying to bring the past back. I was so busy fucking crying over everything and everyone that no longer was that I drowned when that tide came in completely. And right now I am not sure what I regret most, the fact that I let all those people and good times leave, or the fact I sat there trying to bring it all back when I couldn't. I missed out on a lot of new and amazing opportunities because I couldn't let the past just be washed away. I believed so hard it was stone when it wasn't.
It was a bad year because I couldn't accept the changes and I blocked out the entire world. Everything new was bad because it wasn't the same; I could ever envision a life as good as the one I had and I completely and utterly just took advantage of my own company. I didn't want to start new relationships, I didn't want new experiences, I simply didn't want to pretend I could be happy when I couldn't. Now, looking back on all that I just keep thinking, what if I had I had accepted those changes a little quicker? What if I had mourned as I had went along, my life would of course be a lot different. But I'd probably be happy, right? The whole idea of having something 'etched in stone' is actually finding something worth etching into stone. So instead of having a lot of stones, all I have is a load of sand that I am just waiting for the ocean to wash away once more. I am fed up of being alone. I am fed up of being pathetic and waiting for everyone to come back and love. I cannot wait for the past to come back and enlighten me. I have to manipulate time, starting with the present.
"This is the beginning of anything you want." I'm not going to be immediately okay after waking up and deciding I don't like this life. It's going to take time and effort but after all, with the journey of self-discovery comes great responsibility. I want to be able to find complete happiness and feel the same as I had all of a year or two years ago. It doesn't have to be with the same people and the same experiences, it can all be different and new exciting. I need to learn to not be afraid of change. If someone is in your life and they aren't making you happy or they aren't worthy of a stone, then it's alright to say goodbye. If an experience wasn't amazing, cut it out. If you're doing a subject in school that isn't driving your creative needs, then drop it. If you don't want to diet because you like cake, fucking eat cake! If you want to start a new hobby no one likes, be independant! The whole idea of growing up and finding yourself, is having that courage to go off and explore the world without the fear of the ocean washing away a few things here and there.
Here are 5 mottos I want to follow over the next year of my life:
1. "Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect"
2. "You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be" - Marianne Wilson
3. "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new" - Socrates
4. "Don't tell me what they said about me, tell me why they were so comfortable to say it around you"
5. "Little by little. Day by day"
I regret a lot of things in life. Words that I never took the opportunity to say. Actions I never had the courage to pursue. Goodbyes I never took too seriously and new hellos I dismissed. But I am done with regret, I am done with not trying. "Forget the risk and take the fall. If it's what you want then it's worth it all" I am on an adventure, to find everything and everyone that belong on my stones. I'll try to remember that the tide will always come in and that sand will always be washed away. Those that go with won't come back, but sitting back on the boulders, on those stones and watching that sunset will all be worth it one day and everyday from.
And so it goes on...