I really struggled with my 19th birthday this year, it was the first birthday in 7 years that I wasn’t in my secondary school and hometown, surrounded by my friends and family. I truly miss these people and the memories that I made each and every year when a new birthday came around. But I think what I was really sorrowful over was the death of who I used to be. Turning 19 for me signified the fact I am moving on from everything and anything that defined me where I used to live. Over a summer holiday, I moved house and then within a fortnight I moved into a flat with 5 strangers. How could anyone expect to stay true to who I was? There are turning points in your life that change who you are, for better or for worse is up to us, but in the end we don’t really get to decide. I never asked for this, I never predicted something like this could happen. But I guarantee I could ask any of my friends who have gone to University if they feel like they’ve changed and they would agree instantly, without evening knowing how to explain the feeling. We’re all still growing up. I’m still growing.
These changes have forced me to make decisions I never thought in a million years I would ever have to make. I just had to believe in myself and take these risks and hope that anyone involved loved me enough to understand that I really don’t know who I am anymore. It’s like I spent 7 years in Secondary School trying to understand myself and once I believed I had begun to shape who I wanted to be in the future; for one day it to all fall apart. Now I have the next three years in University to start that journey all over again. I can predict now that I’ll leave University and watch everything I discover here fall apart. Growing up I believed I would become this creative, confident, kind-hearted person that wouldn’t ever care about what people thought about me, someone who would never break someone’s heart just for the likes of my own happiness. I thought I was going to be invincible. Naïve little girl.
We have to be strong during these crossroads, where we change for the first time in a while. Everything and anything you know is going to flip upside down and kick you in the face. Not everything will be forgotten and not everything will remain the same. Sometimes things will go, just to come back again. The only thing we can really do is accept the fact that life is moving on and it’s moving so fucking fast. We are going to ride this bitch out and enjoy every single second. Because life isn’t about finding yourself in the end, it’s about all the crazy, wonderful shit we do trying to find that person. When I finally do understand myself, I am sure it’s going to be an amazing adventure here on out. But for now, I’ve got to focus on my own happiness and understanding just who I am. I’m just hoping she’s alright.
I know that people won’t ever understand what’s going on inside my head. And I don’t really expect anyone to invest the time to even attempt to figure it out. You’ve just got to trust me. I hope that you are all enjoying your own journeys, whether you are comfortably in the middle of knowing just who you are, or you’ve found yourself and you’re riding the second half of your journey. Perhaps you’re shaping yourself now, to be someone you’ve always wanted to be. Or maybe you’re in the middle of some life changes like me, in which case, hang in there. For these will be, the best days of our lives.
Go nuts guys.