"We want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure and even a little danger" - Damon Salatore. Love is a very dangerous thing to fall into, actually love is a very dangerous thing to casually walk into if you're that kind of person. Even though we may want this fiery compassionate moments to consume us, I don't think we actually realize that they will. One way or another they engulf us wholly and it's hard to escape once you're stuck. However...are we stuck?
I've been single for nearly 6 months and in all honesty I am still finding it difficult to fully accept the fact I need to let go, it's as if all my fingers aren't intact anymore but my thumb is still twirled around the possibilities and the "what if's?" On top of all that however, I have some people telling me that I need to let go, as if I didn't already know that I need to, they say because he's bad for me. He's. Bad. For. Me. And that makes me slightly angry because how can we define a persons choices to be or leave someone if we don't really know what was going on inside their head? It's not fair at all. So I decided I would try and explain it to myself as I explained it you guys. (Please note that this isn't what was going through my ex-boyfriends head exactly, it's theory)
"What we find in a soulmate is not something wild to tame, but something wild to run with". I think what people sometimes forget is that love is something we can never understand, let alone control with our dearest whims. People fall in love and they don't know why and that really takes us by surprise. One minute your just looking at them from faraway, admiring the way their sky compliments their eyes and the next you're looking at their closed eyelids as they sleep next to you knowing that nothing could ever feel better than that content deep in your soul. That's what happened with me, but you see...I fell in love with his personality. I fell in love with the way he smiled and laughed to break the silences. I fell in love with the way he slid his hand into mine when we went for walks and the way he bent down patronizingly to kiss me. I fell in love with his words not his actions - not the way he treated me. So from on the outside when it looks like he is being a jerk, he probably is being a jerk but I didn't fall in love with him leaving me and playing me around, I fell in love with him way before that. People forget that.
People also forget this - I went from being his nothing to his everything in a short amount of time and that's enough to freak anyone out. That's a real blow to the heart. When a stranger walks into your life and suddenly you find it hard to breathe without them, that is really hard. And there are two ways you can react to something like that 1. Stay 2. Leave. And whatever choice you make does not define how you feel about that person it just depends on who you are. Love, like I said, is dangerous and does anyone really want to get hurt? So you either stay and cling on to them and ensure they never leave or you leave before it naturally happens before it could hurt you even more.
When you rely too much on somebody else it takes a little part of you away and I think that's what he was feeling. That he had buried parts of who he was in me and if I was to leave he would never get those back and he just wanted to be himself. Not a half to share. And that's alright you know? Because we're 17 years old and we want to be finding out who we are and that's hard if we keep losing ourselves in other peoples eyes right? However, as a strong believer of all happy endings I do believe there is way where we can experience this dangerous, burning love and still feel like we are ourselves. The thought occured to me earlier that...we really do only have one life, this is literally it. And we can choose to spend it in what way we want and if being with one person makes you happy then do it. If you feel like you're losing parts of yourself to them that's good because that makes you stronger in weak times, they are there for you. And that's what I want someday...I think we all look for little parts of ourselves in someone else.
I really do want that fiery, dangerous love, I want someone with a heart of flames and the passion for adventure. I do in the end...want to to be someone's girlfriend who ends up being their wife and have that monogamist feel to it all because that's what I have chosen to be the most important thing to me. But we don't always get what we want. And that's life, this is literally all we have so let's create something more of it. So the next time you think about telling someone what they already know...just remember that love isn't all holding hands in the park and kissing for pictures...it's a dangerous yearning for someone. And if you think it gets easier, it doesn't.
Go nuts!
I've been single for nearly 6 months and in all honesty I am still finding it difficult to fully accept the fact I need to let go, it's as if all my fingers aren't intact anymore but my thumb is still twirled around the possibilities and the "what if's?" On top of all that however, I have some people telling me that I need to let go, as if I didn't already know that I need to, they say because he's bad for me. He's. Bad. For. Me. And that makes me slightly angry because how can we define a persons choices to be or leave someone if we don't really know what was going on inside their head? It's not fair at all. So I decided I would try and explain it to myself as I explained it you guys. (Please note that this isn't what was going through my ex-boyfriends head exactly, it's theory)
"What we find in a soulmate is not something wild to tame, but something wild to run with". I think what people sometimes forget is that love is something we can never understand, let alone control with our dearest whims. People fall in love and they don't know why and that really takes us by surprise. One minute your just looking at them from faraway, admiring the way their sky compliments their eyes and the next you're looking at their closed eyelids as they sleep next to you knowing that nothing could ever feel better than that content deep in your soul. That's what happened with me, but you see...I fell in love with his personality. I fell in love with the way he smiled and laughed to break the silences. I fell in love with the way he slid his hand into mine when we went for walks and the way he bent down patronizingly to kiss me. I fell in love with his words not his actions - not the way he treated me. So from on the outside when it looks like he is being a jerk, he probably is being a jerk but I didn't fall in love with him leaving me and playing me around, I fell in love with him way before that. People forget that.
People also forget this - I went from being his nothing to his everything in a short amount of time and that's enough to freak anyone out. That's a real blow to the heart. When a stranger walks into your life and suddenly you find it hard to breathe without them, that is really hard. And there are two ways you can react to something like that 1. Stay 2. Leave. And whatever choice you make does not define how you feel about that person it just depends on who you are. Love, like I said, is dangerous and does anyone really want to get hurt? So you either stay and cling on to them and ensure they never leave or you leave before it naturally happens before it could hurt you even more.
When you rely too much on somebody else it takes a little part of you away and I think that's what he was feeling. That he had buried parts of who he was in me and if I was to leave he would never get those back and he just wanted to be himself. Not a half to share. And that's alright you know? Because we're 17 years old and we want to be finding out who we are and that's hard if we keep losing ourselves in other peoples eyes right? However, as a strong believer of all happy endings I do believe there is way where we can experience this dangerous, burning love and still feel like we are ourselves. The thought occured to me earlier that...we really do only have one life, this is literally it. And we can choose to spend it in what way we want and if being with one person makes you happy then do it. If you feel like you're losing parts of yourself to them that's good because that makes you stronger in weak times, they are there for you. And that's what I want someday...I think we all look for little parts of ourselves in someone else.
I really do want that fiery, dangerous love, I want someone with a heart of flames and the passion for adventure. I do in the end...want to to be someone's girlfriend who ends up being their wife and have that monogamist feel to it all because that's what I have chosen to be the most important thing to me. But we don't always get what we want. And that's life, this is literally all we have so let's create something more of it. So the next time you think about telling someone what they already know...just remember that love isn't all holding hands in the park and kissing for pictures...it's a dangerous yearning for someone. And if you think it gets easier, it doesn't.
Go nuts!