This is a short guide on what to do when your loved one is self-harming. I realised I always focus on the point of view from those who are hurting, rather than those the actions aren't directly effecting. So, whether you're a family member, lover, or friend – this is a quick guide with the advice to help guide you through this difficult process.
Your reaction
Initially it will be hard for you to try and control yourself upon the realisation of what is occurring to your loved one. Normal reactions are to be quite angry, upset and immediately blaming yourself. One thing you must remember is that your loved one never intended to hurt you which is probably the reason they had hidden it from you in the first place, if that was the case. So, try to remember during your reaction towards them that despite your anger and sadness, that they don't want to hurt you. So don't try to hurt them, okay? Moreover, another important thing to remember is to not blame yourself. It is not your fault. So don't create further issues by putting yourself in an unstable position also.
Support and Understanding
It's really hard for someone who self-harms to explain exactly why they do it as it is normally associated with a mental illness, which cannot be helped. If it isn't, it's still quite hard to verbalize exactly why you inflict pain on yourself. I still don't really understand why people do it so do not worry if you don't understand at first and if you never do understand. The reason as to why they do it is not as important as the process of helping them stop. Moreover, you obviously want to offer your support. I do condone that you stay away from the phrase “you need to stop” or anything around that theme as I can guarantee you 100% that your loved one knows that they “need to stop” and they know it is a bad thing. The best thing to do is offer support that isn't too direct because this can distress people. They need to protect their “face”, for example “negative face” is when people will normally do something for the good of you, but if you tell them to do it they won't because their freedom has been taken away. So, stay away from these kind of phrases and offer brief support, for example “I don't understand, but I am here if you need to talk.”
Body checks
It's quite common, specially if you are a parent, to want to do “body checks” on your loved one. I have very mixed opinions on this. People should want to stop self-harming for their own mental health and their love for you, not because they know they will get in “trouble” for it. You have to consider the difficulties your loved one is already going through without the pressure of having to strip in front of you every evening. I also feel this is a huge violation of privacy, specially depending on the age of the loved one. If you are a lover, it's probably not going to be as bad because being stereotypical I'd assume you'd see their skin anyway. As a friend or parent, it can be seen as intrusive and again, effects your loved ones “negative face.” On the other hand, if your loved one agrees to this term and it gives you peace of mind then I guess it's up to you to go ahead without it. But, remember progress may not be made straight away and this may lead to you being more upset that your support hasn't had a direct effect, so in all honesty I would steer away from body checks and just learn to trust each other.
This is more directed to parents because as friend or lover, trying to “ground” your loved one will be quite difficult/abnormal depending on your age. It's probably a natural instinct to want to keep your loved one in your sight at all time, to ensure their safety etc. However, I am can promise you 100% that this is not going to work. If your loved one wanted to do this to themselves, they will find a way despite you keeping them inside and stalking them to toilet, shower, school etc. Moreover, “grounding” your loved one will make them feel as if they are being punished for something that is out of their control, you wouldn't take away a disabled persons freedom away because they are disabled? Likewise, with someone who may have a mental illness. The best thing to do, is to talk about it and learn to trust each other, they will come to you when they need to know that you know.
GP and Counselling
Many people I know who suffer from self-harm really dislike the GP and counselling. However, you will more than likely insist that they go to both. This is alright, in fact I condone this ideology because it is important that they know what help they can get and where. Your loved ones may insist they go on their own, which is fine, again it is all about the trust you need to gain between each other. Remember, that this is just as difficult for them at it is you for, so don't enforce or add pressure to anyone, again referring to peoples “negative face”.
Lastly, you need to remember that the best way really to move on is to just get on with it. Your loved one probably doesn't like talking about it because you only noticed a physical change in your loved one, no matter how bad their mental health was you didn't care until you saw something worth asking about. So in order for them to truly get better, is to let them do it in a way they know. Make sure they know you are there for them, but don't be too direct. This won't last forever in their lives, most people who self-harm don't do it to “die”, they do it as a way of “release”. The thing you should be worrying about the most is making them happy and making sure they are okay, not about how many scars will stain their skin. It's a hard process to go through, I understand that, but you don't understand them, so don't force yourself to understand, don't force anything. Just let it all ride out and I promise it'll be alright. Moreover, maybe speak to someone else going through the same thing you are, that always helps.
I hope this guide helped you guys, inbox me on my “need help” form for any more information needed or get in touch through my ask.fm, twitter or facebook.