"I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night" I've been overly-obsessed with the Ella Mae Bowen cover of this song for nearly a week now so I've decided to write a small blog about it. I realized I was probably listening to it over and over again in this calmed down more contemporary version because it was connecting to way I felt and it occurred to me that loads of other people feel alone too sometimes. The kind where you're in a crowded room and you're still alone, I can be surrounded with a school of people and I still feel this way. I guess I really am holding out for a hero.
Being alone in this context is hard to explain to somebody who is trying to help me but I am going to try my best to explain it to you now; sometimes you have a phase in life where you feel as if no one really understands what you're going through or the pain you are experiencing and to the extent of which you're feeling it. People can say over and over again "I understand" but you know that they don't despite their best efforts to explain what you're going through from their point of view. It's great when people do say they understand and that they can help but sometimes it's just a little frustrating because you have these random pieces of unrelatable advice thrown at you that are not going to help in the slightest. This is feeling alone; when even the closest people to you don't really understand, it's just you.
This often frustrates the people that are trying to help you because obviously they are trying to make you feel better and you're dismissing their help. I do this a lot and then I immediately feel guilty for days - sometimes when people super close to me try to help with a current situation and their advice sometimes makes me feel worse and this isn't their fault they just don't have the right words to say along with everybody else. If you are dismissing somebodies help, just do it in a polite way - thank them anyway and squeeze out a smile because it's going to make them feel 100% better knowing that they have helped in the slightest even if they haven't. However this makes you feel completely alone again. Being alone with your thoughts - specially with a brain like mine - is a horrific nightmare. You can't sleep at night because your brain conjures up the past in distorted images and magnifies them to be 10x worse than they actually are, even your dreams somehow have a way of getting to you right where it hurts. But you can't tell people this because they simply don't get it. However I will admit some people have given me advice that has helped or have just spoke to me in a way that releases all my tension; it hasn't made me feel less alone but it has made me slightly better.
Another thing that can get quite frustrating is when you're upset or down because of these problems that people don't quite get - is when people tell you to "stop being so moody" or "stop being so sad, lighten up!" Do you think we like being depressed? Do you think we haven't tried? This all brings me back to being alone - people simply can't grasp the situation you're going through or imagine the extents of pain of which you're experiencing; so their small comments that are designed to make you feel slightly better end up making you feel the complete opposite. You need to remember that people aren't out to get you or intentionally make you feel bad - they just hate seeing you down as much as you hate feeling that way. Dismiss their comments in order to avoid any conflict because the last thing you need is to fall out with the people you need around you in order to survive the day; you don't need another problem on your mountain of issues.
I've been feeling this way for nearly a month now and people don't seem to understand why I still feel down or why when they mention certain names or places I have to excuse myself from the room; I have fully accepted that no one is really going to accept the way I feel until I'm over it. This means potentially you have to go through this on your own. But I keep listening to this song and these lyrics:
"Somewhere after midnight, In my wildest fantasies, Somewhere just beyond my reach, There's someone reaching back for me, Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat, Isn’t there a superman to sweep me off my feet?"
And it makes me wonder who I am waiting for? Nobody from my past is going to come running back to save me because they simply don't care anymore and everyone in my present fails to understand, I can't see my future and I cannot wait for the unknown? This is when it occurred to me that maybe the hero I am waiting for, the hero that is just beyond my reach, is myself. Nobody knows what I've been through as well as me and no one has the right willpower to push me through this but me. It hit me in the face that maybe the only one holding me back from seeing the other side is myself. I can't sit around waiting for a hero because by the time he gets here I might have eaten myself alive! The hero is you.
I am not suggesting you do have to go through this alone. There will be people, close friends, family who understand to some extent what you're going through to be able to lend a helping hand or just a good hug when you need it. But the only person who can truly come to their senses and feel that want to move on is yourself. " I’ll meet a hero and then we’ll dance 'til the morning light" You've now realized who the hero is and you can dance yourself through all of this. It's not going to be easy because feeling trapped and alone inside your own head can be quite daunting and scary. But if you've accepted no one can help you wholly and you're not willing to take advice then step up and save yourself. Superman isn't going to be there every time and Batman isn't going to always see his signal. People are there to pick you up but you have to walk yourself across the finish line.
Don't hesitate to get in touch if you do need a slight push.
2 Comments
Poo
10/9/2014 05:25:36 am
I love your writing!
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Gee
10/9/2014 07:26:44 am
Thanks😂 I love that you named yourself poo!
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